making mountains out of molehills.
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katy perry is known for pushing the envelope. she’s made a name for herself by creating a cartoonish yet sultry look, donning ensembles fit for comic book heroines. not to mention penning tunes with titles like “i kissed a girl,” and creating videos where her breasts shoot out whipped cream—i’m not so sure all “california girls” do that, katy.
and even though her style is certainly unique, she—or her stylist—could have chosen a more appropriate outfit than the number she wore on a recent episode of sesame street that she guest-starred on.
elmo may not have had a problem with your wardrobe choice, katy, but a lot of parents did. save the coquettishness for your music career. please?
alexander wang does bras for the cleavagely challenged.
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it was only a matter of time before advertising went 3-d. i mean, hollywood has been titillating moviegoers for years, getting viewers up close and personal with all the action flashing on the screen.
and the folks behind wonderbra decided to put to use the same 3-d technology that avatar used in creating an ad sure to get commuters’ attention. but just like at the movies, you’ll have to don a pair of special monocles to get the full effect. dubbed 3-dd glasses, think of them as your declaration to the world that you appreciate a large rack. or that you appreciate model sabraine banando’s rack. or that you’re a perv.
such a thin line, ain’t it?
if you’re like me and grew up on the golden girls, then you know that nothing says patriot like a painting of betty white wrapped in an american flag and boasting pies (which, ahem, should be cheesecakes there, picasso) as breasts. and for just $20, this little slice of heaven can be yours—with free shipping!
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photo via dailymail uk
perhaps if sheyla hershey had waited a few years for this latest invention in lingerie, she wouldn’t find herself in the predicament she’s in now.
billed as a boob lift without the boob lift, ultimo has unveiled its latest line, icon, “thought to be among the most technologically-advanced underwear in the world— contains a secret sling hidden within the cup, to create maximum uplift, while the inclusion of microscopic fibers and compressed foam, work to achieve optimum shape and contouring,” as kelly brook so coquettishly models above.
its creators claim it to be one of the most lightweight and comfortable bras
“in the world—women won’t even know they are wearing it.” marketed toward women of all ages, its design works to create a “youthful, shapely silhouette.” you know, because “youthful” and ”shapely” are the only acceptable looks women’s breasts should take in order to be considered attractive. “it works to prevent younger breasts from sagging,” explains michelle mone, creator of the new age bra. “and for women who already have saggy boobs, it uplifts the breasts in an instant to the perky pair they once were, making the breasts look up to ten years younger just like a boob lift.”
just because you cut the knife out of the equation doesn’t mean you subtract the vanity, too.
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admit it: you were all waiting with bated breath as to the fate of sheyla hershey, the proud owner of the world’s largest breasts. after multiple surgeries got her to her current m cup, it was her last implant surgery—which took place in brazil—that had her running for the hills. this time, something didn’t feel right. once back in the states, sheyla visited a surgeon who told her that a staph infection had reached both of her breasts, an infection that could take her life if she didn’t act quick.
while removing the implants would be the fastest way to try to improve her health, sheyla couldn’t part with her girls. for the past three months, she did everything she could to save them, self-administering infusions of intravenous antibiotics every 12 hours. but alas, her fight has come to an end: sheyla had to have both implants removed, as well as most of her own breast tissue—the final swift kick to the butt, er, breasts.
she may have lost the very things she held most near and dear to her heart, but she’s lucky to have gotten out of this situation alive. now she says she can focus more on her children and try to get over her breast and plastic surgery addiction.
i wish you the best of luck at breast addicts anonymous, sheyla. but i have a feeling you won’t be too anonymous…
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DEAR ABBY: i am a 46-year-old man who has been divorced for six months. i recently moved down to south florida for a new job. i am trying out the dating scene, but it has been difficult because i was married for 10 years.
abby, all the women i have dated so far have had breast implants. these not only look strange, but also feel uncomfortable during intimate moments. these women get a lot of looks from other men who gawk at their chests when we’re together.
would it be wrong of me to ask a woman, say within the first few dates, if her breasts are real? i don’t care if they’re big or small, i just want them real. — needs a real woman in florida
oh, technology. where would we be today without you? or should i say, where would our breasts be today without you? because the latest iphone app is strictly for the girls.
just in case you needed or wanted your cell phone to have the ability to measure your breast size, FITS is to the rescue. no more do you need an actual person to take actual measurements. the power to size yourself up is finally within reach!
all you have to do is take a picture of yourself and let the little robot living inside your phone—who moves in after you buy the app, of course—put his genius to work, computing mathematical formulas, measuring proportions, and taking moveability and comfort into account. or so you wish.
obviously, i’m skeptical about this latest feature. that one could discover her bra size just by the snap of a photo seems pretty bogus to me. but so does the story behind this hairbrained idea. apparently its creator had an “awkward” experience with a bra saleswoman. reads a quote on the site (verbatim): “while making my escape, i just couldn’t stop thinking about an app that would spare us, women, the need in these kinds of situations.”
well, if you think getting fitted for a bra is awkward, you can certainly rest assured that no one will be checking out the pics you take in an effort to size yourself. just where do all those pictures go, exactly? and why would you need to use this app more than once? and why would you want to put hard-working women like linda the bra lady out of a job?
these are the things you should take into account when deciding you need to use a digital application to determine your bra size.
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that a contest such as “the most beautiful breast model” took place in china, a land we’ve come to know for its modesty, is just about as unbelievable as the existence of such a contest, but alas. it happened. for two whole months, it happened.
hosted by hunan province-based magazine morning news weekly, the pageant to “appreciate female body and self-confidence” had no entrance fee, so organizers were surprised that only 84 girls signed up to participate. perhaps because the grand prize was only worth 100,000 yuans (roughly $14,716), or because the winner would have “a chance to be on the magazine.” with a laughable amount in prize money and only “a chance” at getting a spot on the magazine, was mnw really surprised at the lower-than-expected turnout that the contest drew in?
honestly, though, everything about this so-called beauty pageant is laughable. i mean, really, how does a contest such as this go on for two months? TWO MONTHS! i guess a land trying to break free of its “traditional” ideas and conservatism wanted to take as long as it could to have the chance to ogle at young girls’ breasts.
eventually, though, the contestants were narrowed down to 10. the finalists vying for the prize paraded out swathed in pink ribbons, eventually stripping their tops off as the rain—coincidence? or maybe the real reason this contest took so long to judge?—beat down on their bikini-clad bosoms. at one point, even white shirts were brought out into the mix. but only one could be the winner, and her name is ma yuan.
and that is how one puts on a contest in objectification.
finally us small girls get our due. recently the new york times published an article revealing our little secret: that we, in fact, don’t want to improve our assets.
obviously when i say “improve” what i mean is “enlarge”—by any means necessary. implants, padding—anything that could make our nubbins seem as large as the folks at companies like victoria’s secret are trying to brainwash us into believing is the standard look or size.
for someone to come along and champion women who have championed their small breasts, well it’s just nice to see a mammoth publication like the new york times—whose circulation spans the globe—speak out on behalf of all the little people. it just goes to show that i am not the only woman offended by the “choices” the lingerie department has on hand. that i am not the only female consumer who doesn’t want the products offered to me there. that i am not the only female who feels lost and angered in a sea of padded bras, shooting the death stare at each display/company who’s aim is to make me feel inadequate.
equally impressive is the list of boutiques they provide who specialize in our special size. we all know i’ve had issues finding the perfect fit, and with “specialty” stores like journelle, lula lu, and eve’s apples, i’ll be sure to indulge in lacey things for my girls in places where i’ll feel welcome, like i belong.
so ladies, awaken to the knowledge that you are not alone in the desire to be yourself, that our smaller chests are not seen as shortcomings. i mean, if the new york times is writing about it, then there’s got to be something there, right?
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