making mountains out of molehills.
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photo via dailymail uk
perhaps if sheyla hershey had waited a few years for this latest invention in lingerie, she wouldn’t find herself in the predicament she’s in now.
billed as a boob lift without the boob lift, ultimo has unveiled its latest line, icon, “thought to be among the most technologically-advanced underwear in the world— contains a secret sling hidden within the cup, to create maximum uplift, while the inclusion of microscopic fibers and compressed foam, work to achieve optimum shape and contouring,” as kelly brook so coquettishly models above.
its creators claim it to be one of the most lightweight and comfortable bras
"in the world—women won’t even know they are wearing it." marketed toward women of all ages, its design works to create a "youthful, shapely silhouette." you know, because "youthful" and "shapely" are the only acceptable looks women’s breasts should take in order to be considered attractive. "it works to prevent younger breasts from sagging," explains michelle mone, creator of the new age bra. "and for women who already have saggy boobs, it uplifts the breasts in an instant to the perky pair they once were, making the breasts look up to ten years younger just like a boob lift."
just because you cut the knife out of the equation doesn’t mean you subtract the vanity, too.
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admit it: you were all waiting with bated breath as to the fate of sheyla hershey, the proud owner of the world’s largest breasts. after multiple surgeries got her to her current m cup, it was her last implant surgery—which took place in brazil—that had her running for the hills. this time, something didn’t feel right. once back in the states, sheyla visited a surgeon who told her that a staph infection had reached both of her breasts, an infection that could take her life if she didn’t act quick.
while removing the implants would be the fastest way to try to improve her health, sheyla couldn’t part with her girls. for the past three months, she did everything she could to save them, self-administering infusions of intravenous antibiotics every 12 hours. but alas, her fight has come to an end: sheyla had to have both implants removed, as well as most of her own breast tissue—the final swift kick to the butt, er, breasts.
she may have lost the very things she held most near and dear to her heart, but she’s lucky to have gotten out of this situation alive. now she says she can focus more on her children and try to get over her breast and plastic surgery addiction.
i wish you the best of luck at breast addicts anonymous, sheyla. but i have a feeling you won’t be too anonymous…
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DEAR ABBY: i am a 46-year-old man who has been divorced for six months. i recently moved down to south florida for a new job. i am trying out the dating scene, but it has been difficult because i was married for 10 years.
abby, all the women i have dated so far have had breast implants. these not only look strange, but also feel uncomfortable during intimate moments. these women get a lot of looks from other men who gawk at their chests when we’re together.
would it be wrong of me to ask a woman, say within the first few dates, if her breasts are real? i don’t care if they’re big or small, i just want them real. — needs a real woman in florida
finally us small girls get our due. recently the new york times published an article revealing our little secret: that we, in fact, don’t want to improve our assets.
obviously when i say “improve” what i mean is “enlarge”—by any means necessary. implants, padding—anything that could make our nubbins seem as large as the folks at companies like victoria’s secret are trying to brainwash us into believing is the standard look or size.
for someone to come along and champion women who have championed their small breasts, well it’s just nice to see a mammoth publication like the new york times—whose circulation spans the globe—speak out on behalf of all the little people. it just goes to show that i am not the only woman offended by the “choices” the lingerie department has on hand. that i am not the only female consumer who doesn’t want the products offered to me there. that i am not the only female who feels lost and angered in a sea of padded bras, shooting the death stare at each display/company who’s aim is to make me feel inadequate.
equally impressive is the list of boutiques they provide who specialize in our special size. we all know i’ve had issues finding the perfect fit, and with “specialty” stores like journelle, lula lu, and eve’s apples, i’ll be sure to indulge in lacey things for my girls in places where i’ll feel welcome, like i belong.
so ladies, awaken to the knowledge that you are not alone in the desire to be yourself, that our smaller chests are not seen as shortcomings. i mean, if the new york times is writing about it, then there’s got to be something there, right?
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forgive me, dear readers, for having been mia this week, but this breast-obsessed freelancer found some paying gigs! so that’s good news.
you know what else is good news? apparently heidi montag has announced that she regrets getting a boob job—well, at least a size g. the diplet told life & style magazine: “my boobs are crushing me.” she’s also confessed to having some serious back pain from the strain of her g-team.
then there’s her obsession with exercise and staying in shape, something it seems she didn’t really think through when she went under the knife. “i’m obsessed with fitness, but it’s impossible to work out with these boobs,” she says. “it’s heartbreaking. i can’t live an everyday life. i feel trapped in my own body.”
now she wants to reduce her implants down to a size d—or double d. a smart move, though maybe not the smarest. then again, this is heidi montag, people. maybe sheyla hershey’s recent scare started the wheels turning in that vacuous blonde head of hers.
but maybe that’s thinking too highly of her.
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once again it’s fake tits to the rescue! while there were no gunshots fired, this time around they saved the day at 30,000 feet.
irene ferrari, the proud owner of russia’s largest implants, was onboard a plane that hit an unusually rough patch of turbulence, sending the well-endowed ferrari chest first into the chair in front of her. acting like airbags, doctors say the model’s breasts saved her from breaking her ribs, though she didn’t leave the plane unscathed: ferrari’s consolation prize had her walking away with some bruises and pain in her left breast.
i believe most people would be ecstatic—and thankful!—that they got out of what could have been quite the hospital bill at this point, but the owner of russia’s most bountiful bosom isn’t like most people. no, she’s planning on suing the swiss airline she rode because she feels that it is the airline’s fault that she is suffering. after all, she ALWAYS flies business class—the better to fit her boobies in between the seats! on this particular flight, though, ferrari claims that there was no difference between business class and economy in the amount of space provided, and is looking to get €100,000 for reimbursement her medical fees—as well as for her ruined vacation.
alas, this isn’t the first airline snafu that the model has had to deal with as she’s sued an airline before. last june, ferrari was on a moscow to l.a. flight, and upon landing, one of her silicone sacks burst. after disembarking the plane, the model collapsed in the airport and had to be hosipitalized. “i felt something was wrong with my breast,” said ferrari. “it was sore and shrinking and i realized that my implant was torn. later it turned out that the implant was defective. it was leaking and during the flight the leakage has increased.”
so what she’s really trying to say is that flying on that particular flight probably saved her life. had she not been in such high altitudes, her breast probably wouldn’t have burst and she may still be walking this earth with defective titties.
she really only has herself to blame, but who am i to judge?
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it seems that breast implants have a purpose besides their ogle effect: with the help of piezo-electric lead zirconate titrate (pzt), silicone implants can now generate electricity by body movement.
if this sounds wacky to you as it does me, i guess there are some benefits to this. say the engineers at princeton university behind this find, “natural body movements [could] power pacemakers, mobile phone, and other electronic devices.” and the wonders of this specific implant don’t stop there: it can also work in reverse to function as a motor, so could presumably work to jump-start your car.
interestingly, the us federal and national securities funded this research, so a concrete explanation behind the reasoning of turning the human body into a power supply is unlikely. are they turning burgeoning barbies into superheroes? or using this technology as tracking devices?
either way, i don’t think i’m alone in rejecting the idea of having something that generates electricity inside my body, but i guess i don’t have to worry about that. the bright side? this could mean that there will be a lot less damsels in distress on the side of the road…
okay, so tuff titties is making it official: australia has a penchant for big breasts. even among the sheilas.
olympic hopeful jana rawlinson decided to lose her implants so she’d clock in better times while competing as a hurdler. after a year of surgeries—and $13,000—to get her “perfect” breasts, jana, 27, realized her ladies were what was keeping her from achieving better times. “yep, i’m back to being flat as a pancake,” says jana.
though she may have felt some patriotic pride in her decision, don’t go applauding her just yet. “i can always get my breasts enhanced again when i finish my career,” says jana. “i know there are no medals for being beautiful.”
so there it is folks. it’s not just an american sentiment that being busty is beautiful, as sad as it is to admit. but i wonder, why would an athlete WANT a bigger bosom? especially as a hurdler? who jumps? it’d just be extra weight flopping around uncomfortably and getting in the way.
but jana is just full of contradictions, as she is quoted saying: “i absolutely loved having bigger boobs, but finally i’ve grown up enough to know myself, to be honest about who i am when i look in the mirror.” honey, if you’re going to be honest with yourself, then why are you contemplating going under the knife again? if you’re going to be honest with yourself, just be yourself—minus the silicone.
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i was almost tickled pink when i discovered another girl in the blogosphere had taken up a similar plight as i on how breasts are viewed today. but my excitement quickly turned into disappointment.
talking about what she feels is the double standard for double ds, she mentioned that heidi montag’s upgrade and her pre- and post-surgery spread in people had shocked her. that cathy horyn’s comment on christina hendricks and her golden globes attire really upset her, then wondered whether the mad men star would still be considered big if her breasts weren’t her own. that she was sympathetic when the media came down on jessica simpson for her ill-fitting attire last week because she, too, had made that mistake before.
but the thing that really got me was when she posited this question: “would everyone be so offended and insulted if her breasts were fake?”
the answer? NO. you know why? because a woman with breast implants doesn’t offend. a woman with breast implants makes you feel sorry for her because she believes that the deeper her cleavage gets, the prettier she will be. at least that’s how she hopes others will view her after she’s enhanced herself. heidi’s had two surgeries to make her boobs triple d’s and is dreaming of more that will get her to h’s—you know, for “heidi.” apparently, she’s not pretty enough yet.
and those with a naturally busty bosom? it’s really all in the delivery. you want to be considered demure, you make sure to cover yourself up. want to be fun and just a little bit flirty, you show a little skin. it’s when you’re showing too much skin that people get crude. for the examples listed, i thought christina looked classy, while jessica looked cheap. but everyone sees things differently.
now don’t get me wrong. i’m not a jessica hater. i just think that she took a misstep in her wardrobe choice that day. to prove it, i’ve posted more modest looks donned by jessica and christina. what’s your take on this argument?
now this is sick: in 2008, 10,000 teenage girls had plastic surgery—wait it gets worse—and most of these procedures were a gift from mom and dad. with the ever-growing numbers of botched operations or substandard silicon implants performed by both authorized and unauthorized surgeons, the italian government is making it illegal for those 18 and younger to go under the knife.
is it any surprise that many of these young women are altering themselves purely for fashion reasons, unaware of the risks involved? i think it’s painstakingly obvious that these girls are just trying to mimic the photos they see in the weekly gossip rags and the actresses they see in movies and on their favorite tv shows.
nevermind the fact that teens should NOT be getting any kind of body-altering surgeries performed on themselves. being a teenager is an awkward time as far as our bodies are concerned, and it takes many of us well into our twenties to finally feel comfortable in our own skin. but really, who are these parents that are allowing their children to do this? how can they give their kids the green light to change their physical looks? our kids are extensions of ourselves, a living product that we create that takes on or shares some characteristics of our outward appearances and personalities. you would let your kid willingly destroy that?
while i see a problem in ethics, these girls see a problem in aesthetics, and the italian government sees a problem in too many underqualified surgeons stepping up to the plate. at least this ban satiates all of these problems…for now.
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